i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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