Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
