Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
