I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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