i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
