the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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