I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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