I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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