you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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