so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
