Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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