You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
