pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
