I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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