Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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