There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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