Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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