I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
