How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
