It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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