I want to have your abortion
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
