her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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