he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
