im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
