Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
