if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Holy sore nipples Batman
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
