I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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