Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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