Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize