More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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