i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the room spins SO much faster in panama
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
