So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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