mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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