Swine flu. Run for my life!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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