mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
