You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize