It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
