When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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