i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
