Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
