just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
