you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
