i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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