His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
