You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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