my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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