i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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