can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
