This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
