I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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