My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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