On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
