So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
