i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
