did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
