You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
