she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i think my cat just said my name.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
