i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
