I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
