I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
